Tick tock

It’s like living on a ticking time bomb. Or standing on a ledge of a high-rise building. Knowing that, yes, you do still have a job but also knowing that you are going to be on the chopping block real soon. It’s taken its toll on everybody even the strongest ones.

Every single day, you wake up feeling as if today is the day. It is going to end today. So brace yourselves. Then at the end of the day, you survive.

Then the next day you wake up again thinking and feeling that, "Okay. Today IS the day". But comes 5 pm – you go back home. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle.

It affects you. Drains you emotionally, physically, mentally.

How do you go about on this? Will it end tomorrow? Do I need to brace myself again for tomorrow? Is it going to be tomorrow? Or the next day?

We don’t have enough to stop but also had enough that we need to stop.

Feelings

There's this feeling.
Deadly. 

When you know it's there but you contemplate your every decision. 
You gloom your every move. 
You frown at every bite.
You curse your old self for having to live the way you live now.

"You could have ran away" "You should have left while you can" 

What do I do with this feeling?

When you also know that you can't share this feeling with anyone. 
You don't think they should know.
You don't feel that it is correct.
You don't want to be judged for having these thoughts.

"Keep quiet" "Keep it to yourself" "Smile"

How do I keep up with this feeling? 

You thought this feeling will go away eventually. But all you are doing is deny. 
Just deny this feeling. You are wrong for feeling this way. 
You are ungrateful for just having these thoughts. You are not pious enough, that is why you are feeling all these. 

If this is just temporary, how much longer do I have to go through this? 
How do I end this?

When all you can do is cry. Then eventually crying becomes a routine. All you do is sit and be blank.

It's not that you demand some sort of validation. But you just want to be valid to yourself. 
Not needed. Not seen. But just valid. Not to anyone. But yourself.

Comeback

Wow. I was last here in 2013. That was 5 years ago. 

Reading back all my posts and stories, some are still relevant up to this very day. And some are just plain immature of me. 

What has changed?

1. I am working now. In a big global consulting firm. 

2. I got my Degree. First class graduate. 

3. I am engaged! 

Shall I revived back my blog? Shall I start rambling here again? 

lemons.

i have always wanted to create my very own bucket list.
list all of the things i have always wanted to do.

tapi nak kena jadi kaya dulu. duit millions in cash. 
then i can start listing. :D because i know all of the things i want to do involve money.
no doubt about it.

nak kena cari the right partner lagi.
i mean travelling partner. i mean adventure buddy.
nothing to do with my personal relationship.
kalau dia nak pun apa salah nya kan?
orang bagi lemon, kita buat air limau. :)

i mean like adventure buddies. the backpacking type of people.
i want to try travelling naik train, dari utara ke selatan, tidur dalam train.
the coach looks comfortable enough.
i want to go for a one day trip to singapore. naik train.

hey, you. yes you. wanna be my adventure buddy?
sign up now! :)


energizer bunny is super bored,
me.

tiup habuk

wow. sawang dah macam hutan tropika. haha!
my dearest blog, I'm sorry for leaving you for so long.
wanted to write but was busy.
I have started my 4th semester in the same ol campus.
What's new? Well,

• I got another Dean's List for last semester. The highest so far, 3.89. Alhamdulillah.
• I am made the Naib Yang Di-Pertua 1 for KOMED :)
• I am still, Alhamdulillah with my dearest, super duper, husband-to-be, Mr. Afiq. ♥

My family is still best ever. Mama sihat. Syafiq is great. Abang and Kakya is doing good.

It is nearing the end of December now. 27th December, to be exact.
Eh, sumpah tak rasa dah nak masuk 2013. I went through a lot this year. Well, sama lah macam tahun-tahun yang lepas. I am still living my life to the very fullest. I just can't ask for more.
I am happy, healthy, and still here. Syukur, Alhamdullilah.

Along this year, I found more and more interesting people to flavor up my life. Sejak jadi NYDP,  people acknowledge my existence, more smile given, more smile taken, more stories, more of everything. I do not want to acknowledge them one by one, just for me to know that I have more special people to cherish in my life.

Well now, shall I start by evaluating my 2012's resolution? I wonder what have I achieve this year.

What I asked for

1. another DL, perhaps? insyaAllah. - I sure got this one. Alhamdulillah :)
2. forever loving me boyfriend. *i love you dearest afiq sayang* - I still love him, till my last breath.
3. to constantly cherish everything that comes into my way. - I certainly enjoyed everything. 
4. to be a great person. - *angkat bakul sendiri* hello, i am forever awesome! :D
5. make changes in anyone's life. making it big. - He got a job. He is stabling his life now. I am still guiding him. I believe in him. He can do this. He is my sweetheart. ♥
6. a better health - well, my resdung is still here, but I am Alhamdulillah sihat walafiat.
7. family's happiness is my happiness - biasa la tu, sedih sedih sikit. We are still one small happy family. I still love us, selagi nyawa ada.
8. to love and to hold everyone that change me for the better. - He made me stronger. Allahu Akbar. My guardian. My light.
9. enjoy every single moment that i have with all my kesayangan - they will always be in heart. L, N, M.
10. to be known for what i am. - I am a leader. Now everybody knows it when I am made the NYDP 1 KOMED. 

Well, 2013 is on its way. Very very soon, it will be here. Oh, how time flies. 
I am 20 next year. Afiq sweetheart will be 23. *ehem, tak lama boleh kahwin* :D
Nak buat resolution ke? Over the years, resolutions are overrated. 

Oh, what the heck. It will keep on repeating the same thing though. 
For 2013, I wish :

1. to become a much much better Muslim. InsyaAllah, tak tinggal solat, tak lupa baca Quran.
2. for Mama, Syafiq, Abang and Kakya to live happily and healthily. I live for their happiness.
3. my dearest dearest sweetheart, Abdul Afiq b. Abdul Malik, to always to by my side, and I therefore will never ever leave his. I wish to celebrate our 2nd anniversary together. I also wish to see his happiness shine through. I want this relationship to be as strong as ever. To never give up on making this relationship work till our last breath.
4. sacrifices are made, I came to Melaka to be the best. I wish to get more and more academic's achievement. *4 flat, InsyaAllah* 
5. to forever keep the strong bond between my friends. Payah pulak nak list sorang sorang.
6. to always know my priorities. Divide my time for all my responsibilities, equally.
7. to never ever let go of my principle about everything. 
8. to always be the best in whatever I do. Dalam setiap pekerjaan, pasangkan niat yang tepat. Niat.
9. to never ever give up in all the hardships of life. Allah hanya akan memberi ujian yang selaras dengan keupayaan hambanya. Allah tidak akan menguji jika hambanya tidak berupaya untuk mengatasinya. 
10. To thank Allah for everything. Love, Happiness, Patience, Strength.

I welcome 2013 with my open arms. 

With all my heart and soul,
I love you,
me.

p/s : I wonder when will I come back and write again. 

mengira bulu

Kau memang takkan senang jika sering hidup dengan orang yang mengira bulu.

Makin banyak bulu yang rosak, makin tu lah dia pijak pijak kau.

Tapi bila dah ramai sangat asyik mengila bulu, lemak lah!

kau pun boleh naik gila kan? 

asyik nak kira salah orang.  salah dia, dia lupa. bulu dia, dia lupa.

jangan bagi aku mencarut. sebab itu bukan aku. 

sebab kau, perangai setan tu akan muncul dan nanti kau juga sakit.

jangan sebab aku yang hanya ikut cakap, membiarkan perkara berlaku, kau ingat kau boleh sepak terajang aku. 

look, aku memang bukan malaikat yang kurang salahnya. aku pun banyak dosa aku. tapi, itu dosa aku dengan diri sendiri. dan aku juga sedar wujudnya salah aku dengan orang lain. 

tapi, yang jadi masalah bila manusia tak sedar salah sendiri dengan orang lain dan masih rasa diri primary. 

apa yang kau nak sebenarnya? apa yang kau kejar? 

kalau nak rosakkan aku, baik lupakan. kau belum nampak marah aku. 

kau belum tahu betapa disastrous nya keadaan itu.  

you and your narcissism. what good does it bring to you? congratulations, you just ruined my mood. 

tengok, sebab awak, saya dah keluarkan post yang marah marah. 

please jangan. bukan bidang saya lah nak marah marah. 

jangan bagi saya marah,

me.

hope and faith

insyaAllah, esok akan jadi hari gembira dia. :)

sayang, whatever shit happens, i'll be here for you.

i love you so very deeply.
:),
me.