Tick tock

It’s like living on a ticking time bomb. Or standing on a ledge of a high-rise building. Knowing that, yes, you do still have a job but also knowing that you are going to be on the chopping block real soon. It’s taken its toll on everybody even the strongest ones.

Every single day, you wake up feeling as if today is the day. It is going to end today. So brace yourselves. Then at the end of the day, you survive.

Then the next day you wake up again thinking and feeling that, "Okay. Today IS the day". But comes 5 pm – you go back home. It’s a vicious, vicious cycle.

It affects you. Drains you emotionally, physically, mentally.

How do you go about on this? Will it end tomorrow? Do I need to brace myself again for tomorrow? Is it going to be tomorrow? Or the next day?

We don’t have enough to stop but also had enough that we need to stop.

Feelings

There's this feeling.
Deadly. 

When you know it's there but you contemplate your every decision. 
You gloom your every move. 
You frown at every bite.
You curse your old self for having to live the way you live now.

"You could have ran away" "You should have left while you can" 

What do I do with this feeling?

When you also know that you can't share this feeling with anyone. 
You don't think they should know.
You don't feel that it is correct.
You don't want to be judged for having these thoughts.

"Keep quiet" "Keep it to yourself" "Smile"

How do I keep up with this feeling? 

You thought this feeling will go away eventually. But all you are doing is deny. 
Just deny this feeling. You are wrong for feeling this way. 
You are ungrateful for just having these thoughts. You are not pious enough, that is why you are feeling all these. 

If this is just temporary, how much longer do I have to go through this? 
How do I end this?

When all you can do is cry. Then eventually crying becomes a routine. All you do is sit and be blank.

It's not that you demand some sort of validation. But you just want to be valid to yourself. 
Not needed. Not seen. But just valid. Not to anyone. But yourself.

Comeback

Wow. I was last here in 2013. That was 5 years ago. 

Reading back all my posts and stories, some are still relevant up to this very day. And some are just plain immature of me. 

What has changed?

1. I am working now. In a big global consulting firm. 

2. I got my Degree. First class graduate. 

3. I am engaged! 

Shall I revived back my blog? Shall I start rambling here again? 

lemons.

i have always wanted to create my very own bucket list.
list all of the things i have always wanted to do.

tapi nak kena jadi kaya dulu. duit millions in cash. 
then i can start listing. :D because i know all of the things i want to do involve money.
no doubt about it.

nak kena cari the right partner lagi.
i mean travelling partner. i mean adventure buddy.
nothing to do with my personal relationship.
kalau dia nak pun apa salah nya kan?
orang bagi lemon, kita buat air limau. :)

i mean like adventure buddies. the backpacking type of people.
i want to try travelling naik train, dari utara ke selatan, tidur dalam train.
the coach looks comfortable enough.
i want to go for a one day trip to singapore. naik train.

hey, you. yes you. wanna be my adventure buddy?
sign up now! :)


energizer bunny is super bored,
me.

tiup habuk

wow. sawang dah macam hutan tropika. haha!
my dearest blog, I'm sorry for leaving you for so long.
wanted to write but was busy.
I have started my 4th semester in the same ol campus.
What's new? Well,

• I got another Dean's List for last semester. The highest so far, 3.89. Alhamdulillah.
• I am made the Naib Yang Di-Pertua 1 for KOMED :)
• I am still, Alhamdulillah with my dearest, super duper, husband-to-be, Mr. Afiq. ♥

My family is still best ever. Mama sihat. Syafiq is great. Abang and Kakya is doing good.

It is nearing the end of December now. 27th December, to be exact.
Eh, sumpah tak rasa dah nak masuk 2013. I went through a lot this year. Well, sama lah macam tahun-tahun yang lepas. I am still living my life to the very fullest. I just can't ask for more.
I am happy, healthy, and still here. Syukur, Alhamdullilah.

Along this year, I found more and more interesting people to flavor up my life. Sejak jadi NYDP,  people acknowledge my existence, more smile given, more smile taken, more stories, more of everything. I do not want to acknowledge them one by one, just for me to know that I have more special people to cherish in my life.

Well now, shall I start by evaluating my 2012's resolution? I wonder what have I achieve this year.

What I asked for

1. another DL, perhaps? insyaAllah. - I sure got this one. Alhamdulillah :)
2. forever loving me boyfriend. *i love you dearest afiq sayang* - I still love him, till my last breath.
3. to constantly cherish everything that comes into my way. - I certainly enjoyed everything. 
4. to be a great person. - *angkat bakul sendiri* hello, i am forever awesome! :D
5. make changes in anyone's life. making it big. - He got a job. He is stabling his life now. I am still guiding him. I believe in him. He can do this. He is my sweetheart. ♥
6. a better health - well, my resdung is still here, but I am Alhamdulillah sihat walafiat.
7. family's happiness is my happiness - biasa la tu, sedih sedih sikit. We are still one small happy family. I still love us, selagi nyawa ada.
8. to love and to hold everyone that change me for the better. - He made me stronger. Allahu Akbar. My guardian. My light.
9. enjoy every single moment that i have with all my kesayangan - they will always be in heart. L, N, M.
10. to be known for what i am. - I am a leader. Now everybody knows it when I am made the NYDP 1 KOMED. 

Well, 2013 is on its way. Very very soon, it will be here. Oh, how time flies. 
I am 20 next year. Afiq sweetheart will be 23. *ehem, tak lama boleh kahwin* :D
Nak buat resolution ke? Over the years, resolutions are overrated. 

Oh, what the heck. It will keep on repeating the same thing though. 
For 2013, I wish :

1. to become a much much better Muslim. InsyaAllah, tak tinggal solat, tak lupa baca Quran.
2. for Mama, Syafiq, Abang and Kakya to live happily and healthily. I live for their happiness.
3. my dearest dearest sweetheart, Abdul Afiq b. Abdul Malik, to always to by my side, and I therefore will never ever leave his. I wish to celebrate our 2nd anniversary together. I also wish to see his happiness shine through. I want this relationship to be as strong as ever. To never give up on making this relationship work till our last breath.
4. sacrifices are made, I came to Melaka to be the best. I wish to get more and more academic's achievement. *4 flat, InsyaAllah* 
5. to forever keep the strong bond between my friends. Payah pulak nak list sorang sorang.
6. to always know my priorities. Divide my time for all my responsibilities, equally.
7. to never ever let go of my principle about everything. 
8. to always be the best in whatever I do. Dalam setiap pekerjaan, pasangkan niat yang tepat. Niat.
9. to never ever give up in all the hardships of life. Allah hanya akan memberi ujian yang selaras dengan keupayaan hambanya. Allah tidak akan menguji jika hambanya tidak berupaya untuk mengatasinya. 
10. To thank Allah for everything. Love, Happiness, Patience, Strength.

I welcome 2013 with my open arms. 

With all my heart and soul,
I love you,
me.

p/s : I wonder when will I come back and write again. 

mengira bulu

Kau memang takkan senang jika sering hidup dengan orang yang mengira bulu.

Makin banyak bulu yang rosak, makin tu lah dia pijak pijak kau.

Tapi bila dah ramai sangat asyik mengila bulu, lemak lah!

kau pun boleh naik gila kan? 

asyik nak kira salah orang.  salah dia, dia lupa. bulu dia, dia lupa.

jangan bagi aku mencarut. sebab itu bukan aku. 

sebab kau, perangai setan tu akan muncul dan nanti kau juga sakit.

jangan sebab aku yang hanya ikut cakap, membiarkan perkara berlaku, kau ingat kau boleh sepak terajang aku. 

look, aku memang bukan malaikat yang kurang salahnya. aku pun banyak dosa aku. tapi, itu dosa aku dengan diri sendiri. dan aku juga sedar wujudnya salah aku dengan orang lain. 

tapi, yang jadi masalah bila manusia tak sedar salah sendiri dengan orang lain dan masih rasa diri primary. 

apa yang kau nak sebenarnya? apa yang kau kejar? 

kalau nak rosakkan aku, baik lupakan. kau belum nampak marah aku. 

kau belum tahu betapa disastrous nya keadaan itu.  

you and your narcissism. what good does it bring to you? congratulations, you just ruined my mood. 

tengok, sebab awak, saya dah keluarkan post yang marah marah. 

please jangan. bukan bidang saya lah nak marah marah. 

jangan bagi saya marah,

me.

hope and faith

insyaAllah, esok akan jadi hari gembira dia. :)

sayang, whatever shit happens, i'll be here for you.

i love you so very deeply.
:),
me.

plans plans plans.

ever heard of the phrase, 'go with the flow'? oh yes, the popular phrase. apparently for those yang adventurous la konon.
life is full of surprises. so, tak payah plan. ikut saja haluan hidup ni. it will bring you somewhere.
tapi, sebenarnya, haluan tu bawa ke mana? sampai bila nak ikut arus?
even arus sungai pun eventually akan sampai ke laut. itu tujuannya. itu arahnya.
memang, hidup ni bukan nya mudah. bukannya cerita dongeng.
bangun pagi ; breakfast di katil, baju siap di gosok, kereta siap dipandu, kerja siap dihantar.

setiap hari perlu ada tujuan. setiap hari perlu ada matlamat.
setiap tujuan dan matlamat perlu ada sebab dan kesan.
contoh ; hari ini saya nak makan cupcakes *lagi*. kenapa perlu makan? apa sebab dan kesannya? memberi kepuasan hidup, gembira, bla bla bla.
contoh saja lah!

i know, orang akan cakap, kalau hidup ni penuh dengan planning saja, mana thrill nya?
jadi, aku jawab. kalau hidup tanpa tujuan, mana thrill nya?
contoh tiada tujuan ; bangun pagi, makan, tengok tv, makan lagi, tidur petang, bangun, minum petang, hirup udara di luar rumah, makan, tengok tv, tidur.
tolong tunjukkan thrill hidup begitu. sebab saya tak nampak thrill di situ.

kalaupun nak hidup penuh thrill, mesti la plan dulu kan? nak pergi melancong, penuh thrill, kena plan juga. nak kahwin, penuh thrill, kena plan juga. even nak keluar rumah pun kena ada plan.
jadi, jangan sebut dekat aku yang kau tak perlu plan kehidupan.
kau perlu sedar. disebabkan kehidupan ini bukan lah semudah yang kau sangka, sebab itu perlunya plan.

sayang,
i am not the ahli falsafah yang punya jawapan kepada semua soalan.
cuma seorang pemberi kau semangat untuk bangun. bangkit sayang, bangkit.
look, i have plans. i have done like, 5 years plan for my life.
in 5 years, i imagine myself am done with my diploma, doing my degree, engaged to you, doing plans for our wedding day, and having a great career with stable finance.
and, i would really love it if you could be in the picture.
but, right now, i feel like i am the only one yang nak benda-benda tu. striving to achieve a great life with you.

i am not asking to have a big white house surrounded with picket white fence.
nor i am asking for gold, diamond, and all those material things. this is not even about me. this is your life. and i just want you to start thinking. awak bukan nya semakin muda. awak janji tinggi melambung. sekarang? u know, at first, i thought your family was being too pushy. now, i get the picture. remember what i told you about attitude?
i made a resolution beginning of this year to make a change in someone's life and making it big. i want to help you. so, help me out here. help me to help you.

what else do i need to do to get you to realise the meaning of all these? do you need to lose me first, then you'd realize the hard core truth? by then, it would be too late. and by then, i need to change my plans too. i do not want that.
please sayang. i love you too much to let you go.
i love you sayang.

giving you the hard core truth,
me.

Friendship also have their ups and downs.

kadang-kadang saya tak tahu apa yang saya buat. sebab kadang-kadang saya jahil dengan orang sekeliling. tapi kadang-kadang orang sekeliling pun bukan nya peduli saya pun.

dari dulu saya berpegang pada 'jangan buat kat orang, biarkan orang yang buat kat kita. kalau kita balas balik, kita pun sama tolol macam dia'. tapi, kadang-kadang, disebabkan emosi yang meluak-luak, minda yang menghasut-hasut ..

saya buat kat orang.

bukan sebab saya nak buat jahat, tapi saya cuma nak letak sense dalam dia. mungkin sebab dia tak dapat nak terima. atau sebab saya terlalu defensive.

dalam class semalam, kami belajar tentang conflict. tiba-tiba, dia cakap, 'dengar tu! orang tak suka kena control'. saya orang yang superior. saya bukan nak control keadaan, saya cuma nak ikut common sense.

cuba awak fikir sedalam-dalamnya.

saya letih lah. asyik conflict macam ni. macam jaga budak kecik.

i miss my aliens kat miri and kuching,
me.

take a bow 2011

oh 2011!

what a journey i had throughout this year!

lets recap!

http://hikayattiadajudul.blogspot.com/2010/12/drum-roll-untuk-2011.html

1. i hope for a long lasting relationship. ♥

i am loving afiq each and everyday of my life. and i know deep inside me, he is too. ;)

2. i hope for a great spm results.

well, i got 4As. that is great enough for me. :)

3. i hope for a placement in the best university

i am a proud student of UiTM. *proud konon, tapi boleh lah. at least i got in* :)

4. i hope for a happy family.

i have the best family. althought we are the fairytale family, at least we are loving each other and no matter what, we are still and forever a family. :)

5. i hope for a time of my life.

i went to Los Angeles. disneyland, universal studios. i went to see my dear sister graduate in seattle. it was a time of my life. :)

6. i hope for a never ending relationship with my fav aliens.

i still love them! they still love me. we are still having our great times together.

7. i hope for a broader mind and knowledge and experience.

i learnt so much this year. i went through a lot, therefore -- every road taken gives its own moral and lesson. every mistake i did, i learnt from it. aside from that, my course is amazing. taught me a lot so far

8. i hope for a bright future.

i am still hoping for it. but, from here and now, it looks bright to me. looks like, i am getting a great career, i am getting married, i am going to have children, and so much more! :)

9. i hope for a stable financial security

ouh, this one. this hurts.

10. i hope for a better and happier life.

i am happy as ever. i have everything. i am contented.

did i achieve any of these resolutions?

checked, 9 out of 10 ! outstanding!

:)

guess which one i didn't achieve. :D

if you guessed number 9, you guessed right! :) hahah!

before i get to my 2012 resolution,

i would like to thank 2011 for being so great to me all year round. i had my ups and downs. but went through it pretty darn well though. there are so many people that i want to thank.

family dearest.

sayang afiq.

aliens terbaik.

you have been so great to me. i love you.

okay! lets get to the chase! 2012 resolutions!

1. another DL, perhaps? insyaAllah.
2. forever loving me boyfriend. *i love you dearest afiq sayang*
3. to constantly cherish everything that comes into my way.
4. to be a great person.
5. make changes in anyone's life. making it big.
6. a better health
7. family's happiness is my happiness
8. to love and to hold everyone that change me for the better.
9. enjoy every single moment that i have with all my kesayangan
10. to be known for what i am.

thank you 2011 for everything,

now, it is time for you to take a bow.

with love,

me.

dua kali peluang

sebab aku tak pernah nampak lain selain apa yang benar-benar di depan mata.

sebab aku tak pernah rasa lain selain apa yang benar-benar sepatutnya aku rasa.

jadi, untuk kau. aku cuba pandang perkara yang di belakang mata.

aku mengambil risiko.

besar risikonya.

untuk kau. aku cuba

harap kau faham.

with love,

me.

hello december!

I AM BACK IN MELAKA

yeah. kembali mengharungi hari-hari di melaka.
sem ni, ada fakulti baru. i mean, masscomm sekarang ada bangunan baru. and bangunan tu kat atas bukit. gila lah everyday turun naik bukit.
how i wish i already have my license.

dah dua minggu since i left miri.
few days ago, i think it was last week, i had a badass homesick feeling. ouch.
i cried my f***ing ass off.

this sem, i am taking :
1- Managerial Communication
2- Writing for Mass Media
3- Interpersonal Communication
4- Sociology
and some other subject biasa.
setakat ni, the stress is kicking in dah sikit sikit. semua subject dah ada dateline sendiri.
mengucap panjang.

im getting the hang of it.
oh, i am missing so many things in back home.
annoyed sangat sebab tak dapat nak join my friends in miri.
birthday party. outing. sleepover.
perggghh.
i miss all of it.
;)

i miss my cousin's wedding in kuching.
family semua fly to kuching for the wedding.
haihh. double annoyed.
i miss family gatherings.

my sayang just had a rough week.
and i missed being there for him.
i miss him.

now what?

with lots of love,
me.

di ambang

currently, i have about 8 days left in miri. he is, once again, so right. it is never enough.
leaving again is equally painful with leaving for the first time.

'cuba bayangkan dia takda, kau takkan rasa susah sangat la'
jangan berani persoalkan perasaan aku.
kau tak punya hak untuk persoalkan hal itu.

entah. tiba tiba mixed feelings.
nak nangis, marah, rajuk, gembira.

semuanya sebab nak balik melaka semula.

it's hard. very hard. so, don't question my feelings.
you don't have a clue of what i feel.

mixed feeling,
me

my love

Abang Zed Aziff

Abang Zen Alfi


i love this two boys. :)

with love,
me.

time and again.

time and again.
i have let you down.

time and again.
i have let you down.

time and again.
i have let you down.

time and again.
i have let you down.

time and again.
you need to understand.

i have done the same thing to you.
time and again.

for that, we compromise.

bila saya silap

another day today.
bad day.
hari ini, sekali lagi saya buat silap.
silap besar.





walaupun saya dah buat silap besar,
saya rasa, tak perlu untuk condemn saya teruk sangat.
saya pun manusia juga.
ada perasaan.





awak ingat, awak tak pernah buat silap?
awak antara orang yang tak patut condemn saya.
tapi kenapa?





ingat balik bila masa awak buat silap.
ada saya condemn awak?
saya rasa, saya diamkan diri untuk beri masa awak bertenang.
bila awak dalam keadaan yang telah di-condemn, saya beri masa untuk awak





bye.





perasaan kalut sekarang,
me.

syukur part 2

see what im wearing on my wrist? :) cantik kan? rugi orang yang takda.
credits to miss Dayang Liyana!
i love you, babe!
now, im wearing it everywhere i go.
*terus tak pakai couple watch. hahaha*

the one who has the best group of friends in the whole wide world,
me.

syukur

i love you, sayang .. ♥


speechless but had the greatest moment ever.
;)

with lots of love,
me.

selesai

perjuangan untuk semester 1 sudah tamat.
seterusnya, aku akan melangkah ke dalam pertarungan semester kedua. *excited*
makin jauh berjalan, makin banyak ditelan. kan? :)
harap sangat kecemerlangan jadi milik aku untuk setiap semester. amin.
urat belurat aku berselirat ligat untuk harung fasa baru ni.
jadi, amat berharap agar cemerlang. supaya nampak kesungguhan aku berbaloi.

tapi, sebelum perjuangan itu bermula, kita enjoyyy!
esok pagi, penerbangan aku untuk pulang ke miri! *excited 2x*
banyak yang dirancang. tapi, Allah menentukan semuanya. masih juga harap rancangan jalan baik.

alahh.
idea kosong untuk berkarya.

saya sudahi,
me.

final

wow. dah lama la. :) it is 22 september.
puasa dah lepas, raya pun dah lepas.

raya terbaik dengan dia. :*
(credit to alien sebab ambik gambar candid ni)

yes, tahun ni saya beraya dengan dia :)
walaupun raya yang paling singkat, tapi raya yang terbaik.
ketiga-tiga elemen kebahagiaan aku, ada.

1. family :
mama, abang, kakya, syafiq
2. friends :
alien-alien aku
3. love :
my dearest dearest teddy bear

raya aku seminggu je hari tu. then i have to come back to melaka.
sekarang, im having my final exam.
my first final exam in uitm. :)

i am doing fine now. o yeaaaaa!

dah la. need to study.

with lots of patience to go back to miri,
me.